Home sick

I am home sick today. I feel guilty about missing work, so I am doing work at home. Part of me thinks that is insanity. The other part thinks "wow, good job!"

Oh, well.

Saturday night after work, all us Obamakids went out for Mexican food. I was tired, and after we ate, I kept trying to end the evening, wanting to pay the check and go home. Everyone else was lingering over drinks, chatting, etc. Finally, we got up to pay, and as I was standing in line at the register, the door opened. And in he walked.

He, is "Michael." I loved him. I loved him so much. It was a complicated, deceit-ridden relationship we had to hide from our families because of the current situation. He hurt me terribly, I sacrificed a year of my education for him, and I haven't seen him in two and a half years. And in he walked.

We just stared at each other for a second. Then I said "hey!" And shook his hand. hahaha. I shook his hand. Way to go, Lily. We exchanged phone numbers (okay, to be honest, I still had his memorized. After all these years. I know, I'm a dork. I gave him my phone number.) As we stood there, he said "I know we caused you a lot of grief."

"We caused me grief? Or you caused me grief?" I asked.

He looked down for a second. "I did."

Later that night, he texted me and made amends.

I don't know if he's in the program (the Nashville recovery community isn't that big, I think I would have seen him around if he was...) but maybe our HP just sort of moved him. I really needed that amends. I wanted so badly to go make amends to him on my 9th step, but really, I hadn't done any of the harm-causing.

In short, things were made right. My heart was lifted. And prayers were answered. He looked well. He looked happy and healthy. And I'm not angry anymore. I had already let it go.

Whoa!

You know what's kind of awesome? I had a few minutes of free time yesterday, and since that happens so rarely, I wasn't really sure what to do with myself. So I cleaned out my e-mail inbox. Want to know what's in it now? Absofrickinlutely nothing. Amazing!

Love,
Your
Lily

Sometimes

Sometimes, I am so passionate about the cause...I love working on this campaign, and I know that when I give my all, even though the results might seem too tiny to make a difference, I am contributing to a better world.

Other times, I feel like a stupid kid, under the spell of a charismatic leader, slaving away for 14-hour-days with paychecks late or forgotten, the sun beating down and the doors slamming in my face...why the fuck is it worth it? Even if we do raise $160,000 in this office alone, is that really going to help? Is it going to make a difference?

At the rate I'm going, I'll probably raise maybe $2,000 all summer. I am a terrible fundraiser. My feet are blistered and bleeding in spots, my heart is tired. I'm afraid I'm losing my identity and sense of self.

I do a great job of pumping it up when I'm around the staff (or "the kids" as I call them), but when it's just the other directors and me, I let down my guard and hang my head. This job is so, so hard. I feel discouraged. I feel exhausted. I feel lonely. I feel disconnected from what really matters to me. My primary purpose is to be of maximum service to my HP and to others. Am I doing that here?

What a slacker!

Well, not really. I've been working me bum off at work, that's why I haven't posted here. It's easy to let something consume me. It makes a convenient excuse for ignoring other things in my life, being a crappy friend, not calling family back, etc.

Yesterday, I was supposed to meet with Penny the Pigeon to go over her 6th and 7th step. I had forgotten completely about it, and was blissfully asleep, trying frantically to catch up for so many days without adequate rest. Around 2, I finally came to and checked my voicemail. She'd called twice. And I was supposed to be at a work meeting at 4. CRAAAAP!!!

Part of me really wanted her to cancel. I mean I love her and all, but man, it really brings me down to have to be obligated to another person. To be held accountable. I mean ick! I told myself that if she brought up firing me, I'd agree wholeheartedly.

What a louse I am. I got over there to her halfway house, went through her stepwork, and realized why I love Penny and why sponsoring is so important. It's not like I have this wealth of experience to share. But I do have a bit more keen insight into an alcoholic soul, and I have a lot of love for Penny. So that's all I have to offer, and it's quite all right. When I let myself offer it.

Thanks, Penny, for teaching me a lesson about myself.

And of course, the topic at my home group last night was selfishness. Ouch!

Well, according to an anonymous friend, whose initials are BILL, people are saying of me, "When's that bitch going to update?"

Now, I don't flatter myself enough to think that you really wonder his, dear readers. An elder statesman in AA once said "Don't worry about what other people are thinking about you, because they rarely are." However, I do think about you all quite frequently.

My new job is absolutely awesome. I wanted to quit so badly. After a week of training, I wanted to run away. After an hour of on-the-job practicum, I wanted to cry. Five hours of observation, and I was trying to figure out how to fake a grand mal seizure so I could quit with (ha!) dignity, or at least not be a quitter.

But after one shift out on my own, I fell in love with it. The job involves going door to door, canvassing for a liberal group. You know, that committee headed by the crazy "Byaaaaah!" fellow.

People are mostly good. They are mostly kind and polite. Perhaps this is a Southern thing, but even those of the opposing party say "good luck!" This befuddles me a bit. If I were "lucky," and had my druthers, their candidate would LOSE!!!

I love canvassing, but I also love working with the staff. It's so odd, assuming a leadership role. I'm used to getting orders, ignoring half of them, then scraping together a half-ass attempt.

This way, putting my heart, sweat, tears, blood (literally, my poor feet were bleeding after five hours walking up and down hills in stupid "cute!" shoes), and passion into something, is infinitely better.

Much Love!
L

Friendly People

People in DC are not as friendly as those in Nashville. I mean, they're right next to Virginia, which is the South. So why do they act like New Yorkers?

When I pass someone on the street back home, I wave and smile. "Hi, how are you?" I call to them. "Great, how are you?" They ask back. By this time, I'm usually halfway down the street, so the second question rarely gets answered.

Here in DC, it never even gets asked. Well, that is, by white people. Black people are more likely to be friendly, but that's not a hard and fast rule. I usually end up feeling a bit like Sallie Mae Clampett in the middle of 5th Avenue no matter who is on the receiving end of my greeting.

My sister, who lives in DC, has a theory about this. She says that because most people travel by car in Nashville, running into someone on the sidewalk is a rare occurrence, and it happens when you're out for leisure-- exercise or tourism. Whereas in DC, most people get to work on their feet, so they see people on the sidewalk all the time, and it isn't a novelty. They're not there for leisure, they're walking with a purpose, so they don't want to be disturbed.

Well, today is our first day out canvassing the streets, so get ready to be disturbed, folks. I hate it as much as you do, but this is what I signed up for. If you're splitting hairs, I did sign up to save America, bring back democracy, and end the war in Iraq. I just didn't realize I'd have to be talking to people in order to do it ;o)

Diplomatic Immunity

Hey! I'm in DC! At training for my new job. Sorry I have not been commenting on any of your blogs, I promise to catch up as soon as I can.

Things are really hectic. These people at this job are like my friends of Bill in that they smoke a lot. They're not like us in that they also drink a lot. It's kind of nice being around smokers, though, cause I get to smoke. But I don't so much like being around drinkers. Oh, well, they are the odd sort, who have one at dinner. I think some go out later, but I don't.

I found a great meeting at 7am. They like me! Woohoo! It was so good to walk into the door and know I was home. What a wonderful fellowship.

Everything in DC seems terribly important. Out of my way, little girl! This briefcase has GOT to get to the capitol! Motorcade, coming through!

It was so great when my new coworkers and I were all gathered together and heard announcements of breaking news from our cause. We all cheered. Back home, no one is as excited about this as I am. Here, we're all into it. It's going to be awesome.

I signed up for the company health insurance, but then I started second guessing. $300 a month? YIKES! I'm young, I'm healthy....I haven't had insurance in a year and I've been fine. Why do I need it now? But my sponsor was like "hell yeah, Lily. It is the responsible thing to do." DAMN! Greedy guts here wants that cash!

Well, friends. I need to go to sleep.

Nightynight,
Lily